Sunday Wrap Up, 8/23/2015

And…. I’m back!  I’m sorry for not updating this blog as often as I should. It’s August 24, and here I am blaming my muse for not writing anything. Oh! It was just a week but it felt like I’ve been doing tons of stuff lately.

I had a shitty week and to be more apt, it was the most depressing three weeks that I had. A lot has happened which lead to many decision makings and some stuff that I am regretting and might regret in a couple of weeks.

To update you guys…

I already passed my resignation a couple of weeks ago. I resigned in my OT due to my depression because of not getting the Team Leader post. I’m not bitter about it anymore but I’ve realized things and it was not good.

I felt that the job is taking too much of my time and I’m missing living my life as a twenty-six-year-old girl. I’ve been working my ass off for the past 2 and a half years and it’s not really healthy. I feel so burnt out.

If I can be totally honest, I can say that I’m not happy with my job anymore. (Phew! That took a long time to admit! And a lot of energy to put into writing.) I can’t find another place to move in so for the mean time, I’m slowly cutting back on my working hours. If this dissatisfaction will still persist, I might resort to another life changing decision. But, maybe not today but soon, it will come.

I realized that I shouldn’t care much about the people, about my surroundings, about taking the job and the career too seriously. I guess, my being passionate about the job got the best of me and it really wore me out. It was not just the physical labor that’s exhausting. It was more of the feeling of being with people that you thought mattered to you. Only to realize that they are not the people that you thought they are. It sucks.

Suddenly, it’s like high school again, with all the drama and the crazy things. It’s a good thing that I get to get out of that toxic work life as soon as I can. I know that I’m resilient but my being resilient can only take so much. And I’m no robot or anything close to that.

I decided to detach myself to people who are toxic to me and I don’t regret it. If for anything, I feel glad and relieved. In fact, I can concentrate better on my job and I can focus on more important things.

The IT guy in our office blocked most of the websites and it sucks. I used to spend some of my free time reading gossip sites and blog when I can, when suddenly everything was cut back. It really pisses me off but I know that I can’t do anything about it. I guess, I just have to move on and do whatever it is that I can and that leads me to…. READING!!!

Why?

Because I already closed my Smart Bro account. So, I can’t access the internet anymore because I am also reducing my expenses. In fact, I came up with this decision since I decided to quit earlier than expected. (I was suppose to quit on November but I decided to pass the resignation hastily a couple of weeks ago.)

To make the ends meet, I decided to keep my weekend OT, but I’m really contemplating about giving it up as well. It finally dawned on me that I don’t need to earn a lot of money because it only pays my debts. And speaking of debts, I already cleared my debt with Ms. Judy. I have been quite successful in not purchasing anything in her store that will resort to having debts every payday. So that’s a YAY! It also means that I’m not buying any snacks or instant food, soda or anything aside from the food that I order for my brunch and dinner break.

I’m hoping that in that way, I can cut my expenses because I don’t need to pay twice as much every cut off. Of course, I’m still experimenting and I’m still unsure if I can really save up, but I’m crossing my fingers because I’ve been sacrificing a lot for this.

It’s not just the diet. It also helps me to become more disciplined. Although I tend to eat imported snacks on weekends, I try to even it out by just drinking water all the time. So far, I had avoided chocolate bars as well. Except when we ate Churros with choco dip and some sinful ice creams. Sinful, because I tend to forget that I should stop eating chocolates but I still end up eating it.

Anyway, my last day will be on September 4. I am excited! I can’t wait for the day where I’m gonna work for just 8 hours and not 10 hours!! I’m ecstatic!

Well, enough of my depressing August. It’s not yet over but a lot has happened. I know that most of the time, I prefer to just skip it and not write about it because it upsets me more, but as days go by and everything has been accepted… of course, I know that I should remind myself of the reasons that affected me and helped me grow in the process.

ENOUGH.

So, in my last Sunday Currently, I wrote that I was on Chapter 8 of The One by Kiera Cass.

I became so obsessed with the books in a matter of days and watched tons of book reviews on YouTube. It is also one of the reasons why I can’t update (aside from the PLL season 6 summer finale.)

In a matter of days, I was able to finish The Heir, The Prince, The Guard, and The Queen. The Favorite and the fifth installment of The Selection series will be released in October and next year so I still need to wait some months and a few more.

I’m currently reading the Uglies by Scott Westerfeld. I’m on page 58!! Slowly getting hooked here. I’ve been jumping from Shatter Me by Tahereh Mafi to this book to City of Ashes (which I was supposed to continue after the City of Bones movie) to Marked by PC Cast to Will Grayson, Will Grayson by David Levithan and John Green to Paper Towns by John Green to The Red Queen by Victoria Aveyard to rereading The Fallen by Thomas Sniegoski to Thirst No. 2 or No. 3 by Christopher Pike.

I have a lot of catching up to do since I haven’t finished Christopher Pike’s Thirst series and Thomas Sniegoski’s Fallen. I haven’t finished Insurgent yet and I’ve already watched the movie. I have tons of books to read but I’m slowly getting there. I have to get back on reading because it’s helpful and more relaxing. I hope that I’d get to finish another series before the month ends! 🙂

I also admit that I had a hard time choosing which book to read because my Moon Reader Pro had tons of books that I haven’t touched in ages. Which reminds me that, I deleted some files because I haven’t bought a micro SD card yet for my tablet. And since I don’t have an internet connection on both phone and tablet, I just resorted to updating my MRP library and fill it with different e-books. I can’t wait to get my hands on some Dystopian, Vampire and Fallen Angel themed series again. And I have a lot of time to spare since I don’t want to interact with negative people in the office anymore! So, YAY to the very introverted me.

Yes. I tend to be very distant and indifferent when I started hating or disliking someone. Most especially if I’ve known the person for quite a while and I misjudged her because I thought I could trust her with who I am. I guess, I’m not just born to be a plastic after all. If they can’t accept me for who I am, I don’t care. I won’t give them the satisfaction to get through me and be friendly with me anymore. I’m just being indifferent because I really don’t care about whatever she thinks about me.

The funny thing is, she’s trying to label me as the bad one, when she opens her mouth and discriminates another, thinking that she’s nice, pretty and perfect like that. Well, good luck to her. This will be the last that she’ll hear or read from me.

Anyway, yeah, I may or may not be bad. If you want to think that I am bad, then so be it.

This year, I apologized to some people because I wanted to be the bigger person. I want to be mature but I realized that I’ve been apologizing to people who don’t deserve it so they won’t be getting anything from me anymore.

I can be bad. Or if you think you know me, then yeah, I AM BAD. However, I’m not a hypocrite, so don’t mislabel me.

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Could It Be A Yes This Time?

I’m beyond overwhelmed. I was not expecting anything anymore. I know that I didn’t do my best in the  last interview. My previous answers were better than the last one but now I have a chance.

I’m grateful for I know that I don’t deserve it. I was half asleep and half awake when I had my last interview. I was actually not satisfied with my previous answers and I wished that I could edit the words, rearrange my thoughts, make better answers than those that I have said. I guess, that’s to be expected of me because I’m a writer by nature. I am a Journalism graduate after all. But with a leap of faith, the words that I can’t ever take back are the words that helped me land another interview. I guess, I’m lucky enough to be chosen in the top 3.

In fact, I was literally half asleep and half awake when I learned about the final interview with Ms. Diane tomorrow at 17:00-17:30 KR time. It was surreal. I can’t believe it. I’m unworthy and yet, I have the chance. I was able to push through.

I remembered some parts of that dreaded interview and I was blabbing. I was like half drunk, half asleep, half undecided and in doubt but miracles do happen sometimes.

I am not good at words right now because I’m very nervous. But actions speak louder than words and I hope that you’ll consider me.

I didn’t think that that was enough. It sounded as if I’m begging for the position the entire time. I sounded proud and really unworthy. I don’t know if the words really helped my case and if I was able to move them.

And now, I’m here. Supposing that they really took a chance on me, even if I’m just merely a contender. Regardless of how stupid and proud I sounded. Regardless of how reckless my answer was when they asked me about how I can become a better version of me.

I remembered that I wasn’t able to clearly give my 100% in that interview and that was the messiest, scatteredbrained version of my thoughts. It was worse than an unedited journal entry. It was like talking without thinking. I was not even confident about the end result, but I’m still here.

It still haunts me when I remember my imperfect answers. Most especially, when they asked me about my definition of service. I know that I was able to express my ideas clearly and I know that I was able to make them understand what I really mean. I was a bit confident with my answer to that question to be honest. But I didn’t think that it was enough.

I can also remember how I begged them. On how I begged them through words that I need this job more than anything else. Despite threatening them that I am going to quit the job if I don’t get this post. Telling them that I’m thinking about my career as an adult. That I want to improve as a person and to become better in my career. That I’m doing this for myself, — shedding personal problems in the process as I told them about my struggle in proving to my family that I can. That I don’t need to ask for their help, because I can take care of myself. I showed them how proud I am. How my pride has eaten me to risk everything and actually do something about it as to apply for a team leader post.

I let them see my vulnerability. I told them that I can turn a weakness into a strength. How? I’m really not sure, but sometimes my words can be so powerful that I haven’t actually thought about how to do it in real life. It was just a theory. It was upselling. It was an empty promise. Which leads to action speaks louder than words.

I realized that I sounded desperate all in all, but I guess, my voice of reason was also desperate at that time. I need it and I’m going to take my current situation in my advantage. I am after all doing this because I wanted it.

I’m doing this because I really hoped and wished for this. I’m more ready than before. I’m 100% sure that I want this job. I am decided and yeah, I really got brokenhearted when I didn’t get the post some months ago. I also said in that interview that I’m not gonna give this up easily. That I’m not gonna waste this opportunity without a fight. I will not let this go just like that.

I’m still healing from losing the previous post. It just made me realized how much I wanted this. I’m still counting on God’s will, though I haven’t been praying in a while. But I will, I will pray for this starting tonight. I will even go back to church and sing His songs if I will get this job. I will do anything for it.

As a person, I can say that I can be a traditional leader who follows orders as I am told. My virtues are still intact and still in me. I will guide the people that will believe in me if they will let me. If they will trust me that we can be a better team. If everybody will cooperate.

My ammos are:

I have been a level tester before. I just backed out because at that time, I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t expecting that I will be chosen as a level tester. That they will give me level test classes on weekdays too. At that time, I thought that the level test classes will only be on weekends. I quit because I didn’t think that I can handle regular, bonus, make up classes and substitute classes along with the level test. I was not up for it because it was a trend that my colleagues were taking advantage of before. Now, if they will let me become a team leader, I can say that I can handle the classes better and I can accept the reviews or criticisms constructively.

I guess, my sensitivity got in the way of my chance in becoming a level tester.

Now, I’m taking this in my advantage. They don’t need to train me anymore because I already know how to handle level tests.

I have been teaching in BCM U-Phone for more than 2 years and I have learned the system by heart. I still feel nervous and upset when I receive Bonus Class Surveys which are below the student’s satisfactory grade. I may not agree with having too many classes at a time but I can still see things on the brightside and I know I must, so I have to adapt that in the career that I’m going to take.

I live near the office. It takes 20 to 30 minutes from my apartment to the office on foot. I can go to work anytime. In fact, I have been taking my 2 hours over time on weekdays for almost 2 years as well. I started my weekend OT for about three months and I’m still looking forward to more weekend OTs in the future.

Obviously, I’m a workaholic and this job wouldn’t be a breeze. But I will do my best to get this post. And perhaps, if it’s really for me then it’s a YES.

 

3rd Friday: A Week of Being An Empath In The Work Place

I always tell my friends that whatever happens in the office should stay in the office. Most especially if it’s stressful.

I don’t want to drag the events that happened over the working week to my weekend. It’s called a Happy Friday for a reason and if I want to be happy, I should avoid stressful things and overthinking.

Like last week, I am choosing to charge whatever happened this working week to experience. Why? Because I don’t want to relieve things and commemorate what has transpired.

However, I couldn’t stop myself from writing so, here it goes… Here’s the rant and the full disclosure of what happened yesterday, July 2, 2015.

Disclaimer: I really tried my best not to write it, but I guess it bothers me too much that’s why I decided to write it here. This is a rant in a form of a blog diary so if you don’t want to be stressed. Get outta here, now!

There’s a reason why I avoid using Facebook these days and there’s also a reason why I am very picky when it comes to talking to new people in my workplace. I could say that I’m very choosy when it comes to being friendly with others. I could last a day or a week or a month or longer if I want to avoid the person or if I really don’t feel like talking to them.

I’m quite sensitive… errr… an empath when it comes to personal space, work environment, social circle, etc. I’m so sensitive that sometimes I tend to become the person I don’t want to be. Like being too boisterous and insensitive to others. Yeah, that could be the top in my pet peeves list.

Values, beliefs and character are things that I value the most. It’s essential because I can’t imagine working in an environment with unprofessionals. If we’re working we should focus on work and if we’re having fun we should treasure the moment. However, we should also consider the people who are working with us. That’s all.

If you are a team leader, I know that you could be biased. However, I strongly believe that you should listen to both parties before you decide, comment or react about the situation. In my opinion, TL 1, blatantly defended her member and told me that I should have told her first. Yeah, sure. Given that she was the team leader, yeah, I should have done that but I didn’t. I guess I got so used to telling people off that’s why I overreacted.

She also told me that the company has a process in case the employee damages the facilities. She also said that Person A even said that he can afford to buy a keyboard. YEAH SURE. Heck, that’s not even the issue. The issue is his actions in handling his frustration with the expense of the others.

She also said that I shouldn’t have called Person A off since I don’t know him personally. Point taken. I admitted my fault and she accepted it. I also told her that I just don’t want to hear a different version of this after talking to her.

She said it’s a nonissue or there isn’t any issue at all. O-kay. I told her that I don’t want others to interfere because we (Person A and me) didn’t really confront each other. I don’t want to make this nonissue an issue and I don’t care about the other versions, really. I don’t give a fuck if Person B wants to join the riot. As far as I know, I am not close to her. She’s just a colleague and I won’t waste my time or effort to entertain her malicious intent.

Frankly, I don’t care if Person A can afford a keyboard. It’s the fact that he can’t even afford some good manners that’s why I flared up. It’s the fact that his crass behavior tarnished his image in my opinion. His gender is not the issue here. I don’t care about his sexual orientation. It’s never an excuse to be insensitive and disrespectful.

But… sure, I’ll try to let it pass because he’s a newbie. I hope he gets regularized soon. I hope his character or personality will be vindicated soon. Or whatever. As if I give a fuck.

My issue with TL 1 was that she could have been professional enough to reprimand her member. She should have listened to me first, instead of cutting me off in midsentence. Well, what do I expect with a team leader like her? A lot of people hate her and I used to defend her to them, but now… I’m sorry but, I am one of them.

Oh, I don’t despise her, okay? I just hate how she handled the situation. I could still forgive her but I won’t trust her anymore.

To be clear….I was not actually expecting Person A to react disrespectfully. When he responded by saying that he’s just expressing his frustration by pressing the keyboard in an excessive manner because that’s how he relieve his stress… I just got irked with his reaction. So, yeah that’s what happened.

My point is? Person A should have been sensitive enough to realize that his actions were wrong. He should have known that there are other teachers who are having classes at that time and he’s causing a ruckus in his expense.  Yeah, he was disrespectful, insensitive and disturbing.

I, on the other hand, tried to understand TL 1’s advices. I admitted my fault and told her my opinions and my side of the story. I told her about the stories I’ve heard about what happened last night and how I learned that there are other people trying to interfere and join the issue. Well to hell with Person B! Aside from what I’ve been hearing about her, I also figured that I couldn’t trust her. That’s also the reason why I don’t talk to her or initiate a conversation with her. I used to not hate her or be indifferent with her but she’s blacklisted in my life now.

Moving on…

If I am actively using my Facebook right now… I might read some negative stories about me or about other people. I guess, it would be better if I will just stay in my happy bubble this weekend. I don’t want to entertain negative people’s stressful opinions or stories. And for me to be able to avoid that, I think I should not read my timeline. I might not stop myself and start a riot on Facebook.

They are not worth the time, the attention and the effort so I’ll stop talking about them here. That’s the last that you’ll hear from me.

I’m sorry for the rant, but this is me. I guess, I just need to let the steam off. I’m writing as a form of therapy. Maybe, I’m asking for people to understand me or give me some advice or whatever. No, I don’t need any advice. I had enough for the day. I’m good. I just want to share this because this is what happened recently and I hated it.

I’m not happy about it. In reality, I’m pissed. I think I’m waiting for people to agree with me or whatever. Like what I usually expect my small group of friends to do, but it’s not anyone’s obligation. I’m just ranting because this is my blog and this is one of its purposes.

 

 

2nd Friday: Stressful Friday

All the things that happened last week will not be discussed on the 2nd Friday entry. Simply because I was not able to write it on a Friday and it’s Sunday so I don’t want to rekindle the bad vibes that happened. I guess I can say that the 2nd Friday was one of those weeks that you want to forget.

To sum it up, it was a roller coaster of emotions. From my condo unit’s problem resurfacing, to the new team leader post being open again, my silent feud with colleague 1 and other financial problems that I’m going to face in the coming weeks and months.

I may have mentioned these negative things but I don’t want to celebrate it any longer. It’s a Sunday and I should be making better decisions and better memories. I don’t want to relive negativity in here. So, let’s leave it at that.

 

1st Friday: Toxic Chairs and Feelings

I guess it’s okay for me to write my grievances and what not. This is my blog anyway and it has been a long time since I wrote a rant or a personal diary or whatnot.

I know that I once wrote that I will avoid writing any rant or anything negative in here, but things are becoming more strenuous and more stressful. It’s inevitable and I hate what’s happening to me. I hate that I have to censor myself when all I have to do is write what I feel.

I had a strained relationship with a colleague a few days ago. It has been three days since we haven’t talked. She hit a nerve and I think all I need is a sincere apology.

She knows me. She knows my story and since I believe her, I didn’t expect to hear such things from her. Call me empathic or overly sensitive, but I treated her as my closest friend in the company and I didn’t expect that I’d be hurt by what she said.

Sure, she doesn’t need someone to pay for every coffee she buys. She can afford it. It’s clear and I get it. That statement, was seconded by her close friend and also my colleague. I get it. Clearly. I know that they can buy anything and everything they want. They can go whenever and wherever. Money is not an issue with them.

I’ve written somethings about who I am and what my real status is. I also wrote about how envious I am of them, that in case they run out of money, they can simply ask their folks for some and it will be provided to them. I know that their parents complain about it, but they were still proud about it. I used to be envious with that luxury.

It was quite unfortunate for me. For someone, who has to work 10 hours a day every weekdays and another 5 hours on Sundays to survive. I have stopped asking my legal parent for money since I moved in Mandaluyong. It’s part of my pride. It’s part of who I am. It’s part of my decision to work for myself and not ask anyone for help. Not anyone in my relatives, not anyone from the clan.

I used to live in Antipolo with my aunt and uncle who supported me since I was a baby. They provided everything that I need and as I grow up, I learned how to value money that is not yours. I’ve heard stories of how papa has to advance some of the monthly allowance that he gets from his parent’s business. I’ve heard stories about how little he gets every year. I know how hard it is to earn some money. I know since I was young.

I’ve grown into a family that used to own a condominium. However, due to unfortunate events, things went wrong and we don’t own most of the condo. units anymore.

Growing up, I learned about my biological mom and my legal mom’s alternative way to keep us afloat. They have to resort to pawning most of their jewelries for me and my sister’s college education. Until my legal mom died and we were not able to pay off all the jewelries. We weren’t able to get every jewelry back because we didn’t have enough money to pay for the interests and the whole amount.

After everything, I realized that I don’t want to ask anyone most especially, my family or my relatives for financial help. I know that they don’t have enough money to keep their families afloat. I know that they need the money too. I know that my aunts and uncles are getting old and sick. I don’t want to depend on them.

I’m earning my own money now. I’m paying my own bills now. I am financially capable since I left Antipolo. Of course, Ino has been my rock and my financial support for my downtimes.

What colleague 1 and colleague 2 doesn’t know is that I just don’t ask him some money… I have deeper reasons, and I don’t need to explain anything to anyone about my finances. I guess, if they were just envious then they just got to suck it, because they don’t know my story and they will never know.

I used to be envious of them. But what is there to be envious about when you know that the people you hang out with are rotten brats who can’t even be independent? What is there to feel pity for when they work for more than 8 hours a day with a weekend overtime of more than 8 hours as well, but still lose their money because of their wants and luxurious lifestyle? I guess, I should be ashamed of myself for thinking that I am pitiful, because I’m not.

These days, I’ve remained civil to colleague 2 but I’ve never spoken to colleague 1 since then. I don’t even know if I’m angry with her. All I know is she struck a chord. She has hurt my ego, my pride. She was just telling the truth, I know, but she could have been more sensitive. I know that I can be the most tactless person in the world, but I know that I didn’t deserve that treatment.

I let her in in my life. I welcomed her and trusted her and it just hurts me that she said that to me. I know that it’s the truth, but she should’ve known better.

I realized that I have to meet more friends and I shouldn’t be too attached to people. That I should work professionally so that it won’t affect me. At first, it did because my first reaction was to ask my team leader and my shift manager if I can transfer to another post. But after quite a while I realized that she’s gonna resign soon and the company reshuffle is fast approaching. I should get away from her and I will get away from her in time.

Sometimes, it’s also important to be around the people that matters to you. Sometimes, it’s also important that you hang out with people who bring out the best in you and not the worst in you. I guess, I’ve had enough of the toxic relationship.

Oh, but don’t fret, I know my debts and I will pay as soon as possible. It’s bad enough that they think ill of me, so I won’t ruin my reputation further by making them think that I won’t pay her on time. I guess, that would be our last transaction.

My relationship with Ino was also affected this week. We fought but it was not meant to be between us. It was not about him. However, things just got out of proportion. It was about my rage. It was about how I can’t calm down and control my anger. I’ve said some hurtful things to him. Some things that I wish I haven’t said but can’t take back.

My mom was the reason.

She claims that the guard gave her some stools. The guard asked me to return the chairs as soon as he opened the condominium’s door for me and Ino. I was exhausted from the long walk, tired from the long day in the office and I haven’t even stepped inside the building when he told me that. I felt a little furious but I still returned the stools that he claimed was owned by the other unit’s owner.

Every emotion was mixed with the exhaustion and my reaction. I haven’t even set foot inside the building and I haven’t even got in my room when he approached me. If only the guard was sensitive enough to let me take a rest first, before asking me the chairs.

I was furious when Ino asked me to calm down. NO. I can’t just calm down when he says so. I was so pissed that I got too loud, he covered his ears. I find it so disrespectful that the whole arguing became about him. I was so fucking angry and pissed off when he covered his ears. He said I’ve been nagging too much. But in my stand point, he should have just kept quiet and let me air my side. He should have let me talk and release my anger. He should have been more supportive. He should have just let me feel what I feel and be whoever I am at that time.

I told him that this is who I am and I can’t control my reactions or emotions right away. That this is how I feel right now and I can’t just tone it down just because someone’s telling me to.

I don’t just settle my emotions in a minute or two. I’m angry and I want to be angry. Do not tell me what to feel or how to handle my emotions. I can’t just lower my voice and calibrate my feelings. I am not a robot.

Then he starts to pack-up and leave. I realized that I struck a chord in him.

I really want to talk to him about it and hear him out. But I was so pissed, I kept on screaming at him.

I broke down that night. Telling him that I’m tired of doing everything that I’ve done in the past few years. I told him that I don’t want to do everything anymore. That I’m exhausted. I’m tired of doing everything. From chasing him to begging him to stay to waiting for him every night.

I know that I’m wrong and I haven’t even apologized to him.

It was my mom’s fault. She should have been a better rolemodel. She should have known what’s best. But everytime she does something, I always get the repercussions. I always get the side effect, the result, the backlash, etc.

I don’t borrow money from my legal parent but my mom and sister do.  I can’t save face because they do it all the time. I just defend them by saying that they have a child and they are incapable of providing enough for the kid.

My mom always do things that she doesn’t think about. She only thinks about the benefits of things. She only sees a part of the picture and not the whole.

Once, she went to the laundry store to have the blankets washed without telling me. Next thing I knew, I got another bill to pay ’cause she didn’t pay for it. I wasn’t able to control my budget because of that. It was an unexpected expense. And I always have to do something to save face all the time.

Another time was when she borrowed money from his family and she didn’t tell me about it. It was only later on when he asked me for the payment — that I learned that she owed them some money.

I know that that’s who she is and how she gets by. But I just hate it when I have to face the consequence because of her actions and decisions. She should have known better. She’s my mother. But everything that she does boomerangs at me. They often see the advantages but never the disadvantages and when they do they just say ‘sorry‘ sarcastically. All in all, I pay for everything in my expense.

I’m not angry with her anymore. But I just hate that side of her.

 

 

Leap of Faith

I’m going to reach my goal.

Finally, an opportunity for me has come. I am now considering to apply for the teamleader position of our company. I remember thinking about it and listing it in my goals for this year. Yeah, I’d like to be promoted, who doesn’t? Of course, there are questions and doubts, but before I get into that I’d like to tell you why I want this.

First, I don’t know how much I want this. I don’t know if I want this badly. Or how bad I want this. All I know is, I wanna be challenged. All I know is I’m still passionate with this job and I’m not getting any younger. If I am not going to be promoted anytime soon, when? I’m close to turning 30 and I haven’t attained any goals. I want to test my abilities and in this way, I can prove to myself that I can. If not then at least I know that I should do better. Perhaps, a wake up call. Perhaps, it should be something to consider or to improve on.

Heck, I don’t even know if I am ready. All I know is that I want this. For how long? I’m not sure. Perhaps, I’m infatuated by the idea that it can take me to a different path. Perhaps, it can take me away from thinking that I’m just a teacher, that I’m just a regular worker. Or it can deviate me from thinking of engagements and proposals and all that shit.

In all honesty, I’m looking for more opportunities to be busy. And I know how big the responsibilites of a team leader is. I know that it’s not a joke but somehow the idea of doing something new and doing something this serious and tedious is really a challenge dancing in my brain like a moth to a flame.

I want to grow and this company is offering me an opportunity that I can’t let pass. If I take it, I won’t lose anything and if I let it pass then I’m sure I’m gonna regret it. And if it happens that I won’t be chosen, then I guess it’s not yet the right time.

I believe that everything takes time. My mom taught me that an answer can be a yes, a no or a maybe. How will I know if I can do something if I won’t try? How will I know if it’s worth it if I won’t set my foot on it?

Second, I am looking at it as going out of my comfort zone. Leading a group is new to me. For years, I’ve grown accustomed to being a follower and just doing what the leader tells me to. I grew up following orders as it is. I am a whistleblower when I was in gradeschool. I don’t like breaking the laws or rules that’s why my classmates thought that I am a kissass.

There are downsides in being a follower too. You tend to be lost when you don’t follow any orders. You sometimes doubt if your decisions are worth it. If your decision is right. If it is enough. If it is the right thing to do.

I have been so accustomed to tradition that I can see myself as a traditional leader. I go by the rules. I am conscious about making mistakes. I tend to backout when I can feel the sting of my wrong decisions backlash-ing on me. Just like what happened to me when I was still training as a level test teacher. I am so sensitive to criticisms that I tend to slow down and back out when my faults are pointed directly to me. I tend to be defensive when people blame me for my shortcomings.

In some points I can be a dictator. I am the leader in my relationship. I want things done right away. I hate it when plans don’t materialize. I tend to be called the boss. I don’t take no for an answer. I’m hard headed and persistent. I’m not sure if my weaknesses can be considered as strengths or if these strengths could be my weaknesses, but hopefully it can be both. ….

I see myself as a person who has a strong personality. I tend to clash with people who have strong personalities too. I hate confrontations. Whenever I realize my faults or my mistakes, I tend to be apologetic. Though, it may not happen all the time. I consider other people’s opinion, however, I strongly hold my beliefs and my opinions. I may be hard to persuade. Compromise is a word I tend to take for granted, well, as for when my relationship is concerned.

I don’t want to limit my abilities. As I’ve said. I am not sure if I can do the tasks of a team leader but I will never know unless I try.

Third, if I should face my fear then… I’d dare to face my fear of rejection. If I will fail then so be it, I will face the fear of failure. Then, I’d get to tell myself that at least I’ve tried.

Though, I am not sure if I know what I’m getting into, I know that it would be a rollercoaster ride.  I guess, I just have to fasten my seatbelt.

 

 

Of Work Related Rants and My Rash Decision.

So, I decided to quit the level test a few days ago.

It happened so fast. So fast that it seems like a rash decision.

I don’t exactly know if it was just me, my tiresome self or the feeling of being too tired to work. Perhaps, the better word is, burnt out.

Perhaps it’s because of what happened a couple of weeks back. I had too many students.

For me 51 students for 10 hours is too much. I enjoy talking to them. I had fun teaching them but it’s too tiresome. And I guess, I couldn’t handle 51 students or more for five days every week. Plus the fact that I sometimes had to work on weekends.

I can also say that I went back to my old habit because of the work load and the shitty schedule — where, they had to fill my break time (BT) with a student. Where I almost had 16 classes for 2 hours and 20 minutes, which is consists of non-stop classes by the way. It inconvenienced me very much that I became too lazy to go to work the next week.

I guess that pushed me to make this rash decision. I impulsively asked my Shift Manager about quitting the level test on a Tuesday. I asked if I still need to pass a letter or if I should just inform my superiors. She said I should talk to our General Manager about it. I was supposed to talk to the GM the next day, but I realized that I should also inform our Quality Assurance and Trainer. I don’t want to disrespect him or bypass him so I talked to him and told him that I want to quit. I told him my reasons (or excuses) and he said that he will tell the GM about it.

A few hours after that, I asked my SM if there are any updates in my Level Test resignation and she told me that they will not give me any level test students anymore. She also added that it became easier because I have been turning down the weekend shifts, — which I just turned down a couple of times, and the time where there was a big typhoon in Manila. I don’t mind though, it’s okay. But, I guess, I got what I want and it’s better than them giving me an ultimatum or whatnot.

However, I’m very pissed off that they altered my schedule last Thursday afternoon without informing me. I almost missed a class because of them. But half of it was my fault for not writing the names of the students on the MP2. But, still… it sucks and I hope it won’t happen again.

Friday was smooth sailing. I can feel that my decision to let go the level test was just right. They didn’t give me a lot of students and I was able to relax.

Don’t get me wrong. I love what I’m doing and I don’t have any plans of resigning or transferring to another company. But sometimes, it’s also the company’s fault why the employees are quitting.

If I will be asked, I wouldn’t recommend our company to my acquaintances. Not because I don’t want to help them, but because the work load is fucking stressful these days.

I quit the level test because I don’t think that I’m going to last long if I’m overworking. I don’t want to exhaust myself with work. I guess, 30-40 students are enough and to go beyond 50 is too much.

So far, my workload has been lessened. I guess, I can thank my indecisiveness and my impulsiveness for this. I should also thank my pessimistic self for always thinking of giving up. Sometimes being pessimistic is also a good thing because it unconsciously tells you that you need to stop.

There was a point where I asked myself, do I need this? Do I need the money for this? Yes. Who doesn’t need the money? But… is it a need? Or should I take a rest and be contented already? It’s a wake-up call. I need to be contented. I need to take a rest. I should not abuse my body. I shouldn’t pursue things if I’m not 100% up for it.

Perhaps, it’s because of who I am. I don’t want to do something halfheartedly. I’m passionate about working, about teaching my students, about caring about them and about making a living out of what I’m doing. I don’t want to quit and I also tried to explain my side in resigning and stuff but if I’m forced to or if I don’t feel happy about what I’m doing, then I might consider giving this job up.

Of Resignations and Other Work Related Rants

Madaming ginagawa sa trabaho. Sobrang daming studyanteng parang kabuting bigla na lang sumusulpot. Sa katunayan nga, naka 51 ako ngayon. Tanggalin mo man ang 11 na deferred, may halos 11 ding ipinalit. Asan ang hustisya?!

Kaya madami sa aking mga ka-trabaho ang nag-file na o mag-f-file na ng resignation dahil sa dami ng kailangang gawin sa trabaho.

Bagong taon. Yan ang trend ng mga tao ngayon. Lilipat hangga’t kaya. Paubos na kami at miski ako, may ilang porsiyento rin na gustong umalis at lumipat. Tama na at sobra na. Pero, marami akong dapat iconsider kung gusto ko ngang umalis.

1. Magiging job hopper na ako nito. Ang dami ko ng nasubukang trabaho at ayoko nang mag umpisa ulit.

Mag-a-apply ulit. Mag-t-test. Mag-t-training. Mag-p-probation. Mag-aantay ng anim na buwan para ma-regular. Maliit na 13th month pay. Bagong patakaran, bagong systema. Bagong adjustments. Bagong pakikisama sa mga ka-trabaho.

2. Age limit. 26 na ako. Mag t-twenty seven na ngayong taon. Maliit na ang chansa kong makahanap ng trabahong pasok ang age bracket ko.

At the same time, sino bang makakapagsabing magugustuhan ko ang kumpanyang iyon? O magugustuhan nila ako? Pano kung ayoko din ng systema nila? Hindi naman ako pwedeng basta na lang lumipat kasi gusto ko lang.

Tumatanda na ako at pumapangit ang record ng empleyado kapag madaming nakalistang trabaho na panandalian lang naman.

3. Stability. Madaming studyante. Madaming trabaho. Madami pang nag-babayad sa kanila. Mas madaming opportunities para ma-promote. Naisip ko ngang bitawan na ang OT at Level Test pag masyado nang madaming gagawin.

Pero, ang punto… hindi naman ako nag-kakaproblema sa sweldo sa kumpanyang ito. Kung tutuusin, mas nakakapag-pundar pa ako.

Hindi nga lang kasing laki ng mga programmer or call center agents ang kita ko pero bawat bente singko ay pinaghihirapan ko naman. May benefits naman kahit walang health card. Dito na din ako nakapag-loan nung kinakailangan ko nang pera.

Alam kong walang stable, pero so far kuntento naman ako at kampante ako sa kakayahan ng kumpanyang bayaran ang trabaho ko.

4. Passion. Mahal ko pa ang trabaho ko kahit nakakapagod. Kahit minsan kailangan kong pumasok ng isang oras na mas maaga kahit 10 hours na akong nag-ttrabaho. Kahit kailangan kong pumasok ng weekend para sa LT. Kahit na kailangan kong pumasok ng holiday. Kahit hindi na ako nakakasama sa family gatherings. Kahit nakakabwisit ang mga studyante. Kahit sobrang OA na sa dami. Kahit na nag-rereklamo pa yung iba.

Ang importante natuto sila. Na-aappreciate nila yung ginagawa mo, yung effort mo, yung patience and dedication mo. Kasi nagiging worth it yung trabaho pagka ganun e. Lalo na yung nag-re-renew ng contracts. Lalo na yung nawawala tapos matapos ang ilang buwan bumabalik. Hindi na lang sa kumpanya, sa studyante na lang na natututo.

5. Bakit hindi ko ipursue ang career ko? Hmmm… bakit nga ba hindi? Mahigit 5 taon na kong underemployed. Kailangan ko nang mag-isip-isip.

Pero ayoko pa. Kaya ko pa. Masaya pa naman ako. Nakakapag-sulat naman ako kahit hindi ko siya gawing profession.

Gusto kong maging writer, hindi journalist. So far, napag-kakasya ko pa ang mga gusto ko dito, sa Tumblr at Wattpad.

Siguro, kung hindi na ako matatanggap na writer pag ayoko nang mag-turo, hindi meant to be. Siguro eto talaga ang calling ko e. Siguro namana ko talaga sa father’s side ko ang pagiging teacher. At kung lumagpas man ang opportunidad sa pag-susulat, no regrets dahil naging masaya at kuntento naman ako.

Siguro hindi pa panahon e. Kaya hindi pa ko bumibitaw. Pero hangga’t masaya pa ko, ieenjoy ko lang.

Word of The Day: Toxic + OA!

Ang toxic ng mga katrabaho ko. Maliliit na bagay na pinapalaki. Mga antics na dapat hindi ginagawang habit kasi trabaho lang naman.

Totoo ngang nakikilala mo ang isang tao as time goes by. At na-o-OA-yan na ko, ah!

Yung isa naman sobrang burara sa gamit naninisi pa ng iba. Tsk. Ayusin mo kasi yung gamit mo! Tsk! Wala kang yaya na maglilinis niyan para sa’yo!

Nadidistract na ko sa mga pagdadabog at pag ggrunt niyo. OA na! Kahit di naman kailangan! Napaka-babaw!

The mere fact na hindi lang naman kayo ang may madaming studyante. Ako nga naka 50 ngayong araw! Grow up!

Work 2

At some point, I consider my team in the office as my family. I’ve been so used to staying home alone and seeing my family so rarely that my workplace and my team leader and team members have become my usual people.

They’ve become a part of my daily life. I’ve shared the korniest (lamest) joke ever. I’ve shared my life experiences, daily rants, frustrations and a bit of my personality with them.

Heck, I was even part of a ruckus in the last quarter of this year because of a friend and a teammate. It just amazes me how close we’ve become — at least in my perspective.

That, no matter how grumpy or how much of a bully I am in the office, they are still there to listen to me and value my opinion.

It also makes me feel happy because we get to catch up from time to time. Even to those members who have already moved to another team. I guess, it was not just the students that reminds me to be passionate about work. It’s them. It’s because we get to share great ideas, some puns, similar reactions, and struggles together.

I guess we developed a good camaraderie in the process because we know how things are in the office. We somehow share the same sentiments and same experiences.

I’ve been writing about the heavy work load these past few days.

I even had to retake a test because I failed in the monthly assessment.

With all the deadlines that they are giving us, the numerous calls that we have to make, the competitions and the successes, it makes me feel that I’m doing a great job in what I do and that is what’s important for me.

I understand that there’s nothing permanent in this world. But I’m hoping that I’d get to last in this company with these people who have become a part of me and a part of whom I have become.