Could It Be A Yes This Time?

I’m beyond overwhelmed. I was not expecting anything anymore. I know that I didn’t do my best in the  last interview. My previous answers were better than the last one but now I have a chance.

I’m grateful for I know that I don’t deserve it. I was half asleep and half awake when I had my last interview. I was actually not satisfied with my previous answers and I wished that I could edit the words, rearrange my thoughts, make better answers than those that I have said. I guess, that’s to be expected of me because I’m a writer by nature. I am a Journalism graduate after all. But with a leap of faith, the words that I can’t ever take back are the words that helped me land another interview. I guess, I’m lucky enough to be chosen in the top 3.

In fact, I was literally half asleep and half awake when I learned about the final interview with Ms. Diane tomorrow at 17:00-17:30 KR time. It was surreal. I can’t believe it. I’m unworthy and yet, I have the chance. I was able to push through.

I remembered some parts of that dreaded interview and I was blabbing. I was like half drunk, half asleep, half undecided and in doubt but miracles do happen sometimes.

I am not good at words right now because I’m very nervous. But actions speak louder than words and I hope that you’ll consider me.

I didn’t think that that was enough. It sounded as if I’m begging for the position the entire time. I sounded proud and really unworthy. I don’t know if the words really helped my case and if I was able to move them.

And now, I’m here. Supposing that they really took a chance on me, even if I’m just merely a contender. Regardless of how stupid and proud I sounded. Regardless of how reckless my answer was when they asked me about how I can become a better version of me.

I remembered that I wasn’t able to clearly give my 100% in that interview and that was the messiest, scatteredbrained version of my thoughts. It was worse than an unedited journal entry. It was like talking without thinking. I was not even confident about the end result, but I’m still here.

It still haunts me when I remember my imperfect answers. Most especially, when they asked me about my definition of service. I know that I was able to express my ideas clearly and I know that I was able to make them understand what I really mean. I was a bit confident with my answer to that question to be honest. But I didn’t think that it was enough.

I can also remember how I begged them. On how I begged them through words that I need this job more than anything else. Despite threatening them that I am going to quit the job if I don’t get this post. Telling them that I’m thinking about my career as an adult. That I want to improve as a person and to become better in my career. That I’m doing this for myself, — shedding personal problems in the process as I told them about my struggle in proving to my family that I can. That I don’t need to ask for their help, because I can take care of myself. I showed them how proud I am. How my pride has eaten me to risk everything and actually do something about it as to apply for a team leader post.

I let them see my vulnerability. I told them that I can turn a weakness into a strength. How? I’m really not sure, but sometimes my words can be so powerful that I haven’t actually thought about how to do it in real life. It was just a theory. It was upselling. It was an empty promise. Which leads to action speaks louder than words.

I realized that I sounded desperate all in all, but I guess, my voice of reason was also desperate at that time. I need it and I’m going to take my current situation in my advantage. I am after all doing this because I wanted it.

I’m doing this because I really hoped and wished for this. I’m more ready than before. I’m 100% sure that I want this job. I am decided and yeah, I really got brokenhearted when I didn’t get the post some months ago. I also said in that interview that I’m not gonna give this up easily. That I’m not gonna waste this opportunity without a fight. I will not let this go just like that.

I’m still healing from losing the previous post. It just made me realized how much I wanted this. I’m still counting on God’s will, though I haven’t been praying in a while. But I will, I will pray for this starting tonight. I will even go back to church and sing His songs if I will get this job. I will do anything for it.

As a person, I can say that I can be a traditional leader who follows orders as I am told. My virtues are still intact and still in me. I will guide the people that will believe in me if they will let me. If they will trust me that we can be a better team. If everybody will cooperate.

My ammos are:

I have been a level tester before. I just backed out because at that time, I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t expecting that I will be chosen as a level tester. That they will give me level test classes on weekdays too. At that time, I thought that the level test classes will only be on weekends. I quit because I didn’t think that I can handle regular, bonus, make up classes and substitute classes along with the level test. I was not up for it because it was a trend that my colleagues were taking advantage of before. Now, if they will let me become a team leader, I can say that I can handle the classes better and I can accept the reviews or criticisms constructively.

I guess, my sensitivity got in the way of my chance in becoming a level tester.

Now, I’m taking this in my advantage. They don’t need to train me anymore because I already know how to handle level tests.

I have been teaching in BCM U-Phone for more than 2 years and I have learned the system by heart. I still feel nervous and upset when I receive Bonus Class Surveys which are below the student’s satisfactory grade. I may not agree with having too many classes at a time but I can still see things on the brightside and I know I must, so I have to adapt that in the career that I’m going to take.

I live near the office. It takes 20 to 30 minutes from my apartment to the office on foot. I can go to work anytime. In fact, I have been taking my 2 hours over time on weekdays for almost 2 years as well. I started my weekend OT for about three months and I’m still looking forward to more weekend OTs in the future.

Obviously, I’m a workaholic and this job wouldn’t be a breeze. But I will do my best to get this post. And perhaps, if it’s really for me then it’s a YES.



Leap of Faith

I’m going to reach my goal.

Finally, an opportunity for me has come. I am now considering to apply for the teamleader position of our company. I remember thinking about it and listing it in my goals for this year. Yeah, I’d like to be promoted, who doesn’t? Of course, there are questions and doubts, but before I get into that I’d like to tell you why I want this.

First, I don’t know how much I want this. I don’t know if I want this badly. Or how bad I want this. All I know is, I wanna be challenged. All I know is I’m still passionate with this job and I’m not getting any younger. If I am not going to be promoted anytime soon, when? I’m close to turning 30 and I haven’t attained any goals. I want to test my abilities and in this way, I can prove to myself that I can. If not then at least I know that I should do better. Perhaps, a wake up call. Perhaps, it should be something to consider or to improve on.

Heck, I don’t even know if I am ready. All I know is that I want this. For how long? I’m not sure. Perhaps, I’m infatuated by the idea that it can take me to a different path. Perhaps, it can take me away from thinking that I’m just a teacher, that I’m just a regular worker. Or it can deviate me from thinking of engagements and proposals and all that shit.

In all honesty, I’m looking for more opportunities to be busy. And I know how big the responsibilites of a team leader is. I know that it’s not a joke but somehow the idea of doing something new and doing something this serious and tedious is really a challenge dancing in my brain like a moth to a flame.

I want to grow and this company is offering me an opportunity that I can’t let pass. If I take it, I won’t lose anything and if I let it pass then I’m sure I’m gonna regret it. And if it happens that I won’t be chosen, then I guess it’s not yet the right time.

I believe that everything takes time. My mom taught me that an answer can be a yes, a no or a maybe. How will I know if I can do something if I won’t try? How will I know if it’s worth it if I won’t set my foot on it?

Second, I am looking at it as going out of my comfort zone. Leading a group is new to me. For years, I’ve grown accustomed to being a follower and just doing what the leader tells me to. I grew up following orders as it is. I am a whistleblower when I was in gradeschool. I don’t like breaking the laws or rules that’s why my classmates thought that I am a kissass.

There are downsides in being a follower too. You tend to be lost when you don’t follow any orders. You sometimes doubt if your decisions are worth it. If your decision is right. If it is enough. If it is the right thing to do.

I have been so accustomed to tradition that I can see myself as a traditional leader. I go by the rules. I am conscious about making mistakes. I tend to backout when I can feel the sting of my wrong decisions backlash-ing on me. Just like what happened to me when I was still training as a level test teacher. I am so sensitive to criticisms that I tend to slow down and back out when my faults are pointed directly to me. I tend to be defensive when people blame me for my shortcomings.

In some points I can be a dictator. I am the leader in my relationship. I want things done right away. I hate it when plans don’t materialize. I tend to be called the boss. I don’t take no for an answer. I’m hard headed and persistent. I’m not sure if my weaknesses can be considered as strengths or if these strengths could be my weaknesses, but hopefully it can be both. ….

I see myself as a person who has a strong personality. I tend to clash with people who have strong personalities too. I hate confrontations. Whenever I realize my faults or my mistakes, I tend to be apologetic. Though, it may not happen all the time. I consider other people’s opinion, however, I strongly hold my beliefs and my opinions. I may be hard to persuade. Compromise is a word I tend to take for granted, well, as for when my relationship is concerned.

I don’t want to limit my abilities. As I’ve said. I am not sure if I can do the tasks of a team leader but I will never know unless I try.

Third, if I should face my fear then… I’d dare to face my fear of rejection. If I will fail then so be it, I will face the fear of failure. Then, I’d get to tell myself that at least I’ve tried.

Though, I am not sure if I know what I’m getting into, I know that it would be a rollercoaster ride.  I guess, I just have to fasten my seatbelt.