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I hate promises.

Feeling: Yung parang gusto mong mag-yosi sa inis, kahit hindi ka marunong o hindi ka nag-yoyosi.

Sa panahong gustong-gusto kong sumabog sa inis at galit, napag-decisionan ko na lang na tumahimik.

I tend to choose my words when I’m angry. That’s how I am now. That’s how I am since I met him and every time we fight.

Pag-katapos ng madaming magagandang araw na okay kami. Heto nanaman, silent war.

Nakakapagod na kasing mag-amok. Iisa lang naman ang dahilan kaya ako nagkakaganito at ang dahilan na yun ay dahil may mga simple tayong plano na naiset ko na sa utak ko. May expectations na din ako for that day and for the days after that.

Chinicheck ko kung pauwi ka na, sabi mo kakain lang kayo ng boss at officemates mo. Hanggang sa may konting inuman. Tinext pa kita, sabi mo mga ilang sandali na lang. Tapos susunod tatawagan mo ko para sabihing malalate ka ng uwi at bukas na lang tayo mag-kita?

Aba, ibang klase! Nakapag-ayos na ako ng gamit. Nakapag-midnight snack ma ko’t lahat. Excuse ko na lang na nakapag-bihis na ko pero sana man lang kinonsider mong um-oo ka saken bago sa kanila. Pinag-hihintay mo ko tapos mag-ka-cancel ka ng wala sa oras. Aba! Unfair naman ata yun?!

Ayokong magalit at sigawan ka at makipag-talo nanaman. Tang ina! Hindi nga ako pumasok para ipahinga ang boses ko kasi malat ako tapos makikipag bangayan pa ko sa’yo? Ewan!

Naiinis ako kasi ayoko sa lahat yung nangangako tapos hindi tumutupad sa usapan. Yung mag-papalit ng plano. Buti sana kung walang ibang plano, e.

Yung nararamdaman ko ngayon is more on upset kesa galit.

Oo, minsan lang kayo mag-inuman. Pero last inuman niyo na ba yun? Hindi na ba kayo makakalabas ulit? Grabe naman! Hindi naman ako ganun ka-selfish o ka-inconsiderate, pero di ba sana sa umpisa pa lang sinabi mo nang hindi ka makakapunta kasi baka malate ka ng uwi?

I’m sorry to tell you pero wala akong tiwala sa pag-inom mo lalo na’t kasama niyo si tabatchoy. Yeah, I call her names. And I HATE her. Ang obvious niya kayang makipag-flirt. Hay naku! Naiinis nanaman ako. Basta, isa siya sa mga dahilan. And sa dami ng nangyayari ngayon. I don’t trust you enough para payagan kang mag-pa-umaga sa pag-inom.

I’m so fucking pissed. Sa totoo lang. In fact, nawawalan nanaman ako ng ganang sumama bukas. Kahit wala akong boses sasama ako, kasi it’s not about me naman. Makiki-celebrate lang naman ako. And okay lang yun.

You know how I hate broken promises. Tapos ganito. Bago ako mag-paulit-ulit. Gusto ko lang ilabas yung sama ng loob ko kasi nga naiinis ako sa ginawa mo.

Ang pinaka ayoko sa lahat yung may plano. Nag-hintay ka ng ilang oras tapos sasabihing bukas na lang. Hindi maka-tao yun. Bastusan na yun!

Kung alam ko lang na ganun sana sinamahan ko na lang si mama sa Ark. Pero, dahil may isang salita ako… kahit galit ako, andito pa din ako sa tabi mo.

The Last Goodbye

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yj1I2aSWKiY

Let’s make it final tonight. If it’s gonna be the end it’s gonna be the end.

If it’s the last long and heavy tears that i’m going to have to seal this relationship then so be it.

It doesn’t matter if it was me who gave in. After all, I gave my all. I fought for this relationship, even though you’ve been indifferent. I have fought this battle for years and it just sinks in.

You don’t care about me or us or what we have. It’s clear, now I know. If you really wanted to save this relationship, you would have. No matter how busy you are. But I guess, it doesn’t mean anything to you.

It hurts but it’s better than holding on to something that is worthless for more days weeks or months. I just hope you’d be vocal enough to tell me. So I can move on and find my happiness somewhere else.

 

Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough

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There’s a danger in loving somebody too much
And it’s sad when you know it’s your heart you can’t trust
There’s a reason why people don’t stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain’t enough

 

The reason why he is taking me for granted is that, he changed and I let him changed but I didn’t.

I was too scared to let him go. Too scared to lose him that I took every blame, every apology, everything because I don’t want him to leave me. The thought of being single and independent scares the shit out of me.

I gave him unlimited chances when I shouldn’t have. I held on when I should have let go.

I am too stupid to let him do that to me. And the burden of being what I have become suffocates me. I’m tired of being the same person everyday for five years. I’m tired of being nice, of being too forgiving, too inlove.

I deserve to be treated fairly. And right now I don’t care if I’m doing this the right way or the wrong way. I don’t care if it’s unhealthy for a relationship. But I know that it’s unhealthy for me.

I just don’t want to be treated that way anymore. So, I’m really going to be like the same person before I met him. The one who doesn’t care.

I just want to be the same resilient person I used to be. The kind of person who is tough and heartless.

I just don’t want to be a pushover anymore. I don’t care if it’s effective or not. I’m not doing this for the relationship or for him. I’m doing this for me.