Small Victories 12

Hello, safe space!

First of all, good morning! Before I took a bath, I was internally begging myself to get some sleep for a few hours or reschedule a pre-interview requirement. It’s a good thing I took a cold shower and drank a cup of hot coffee because I need to wake up.

It’s my first working day for 2019. After having a staycation/doing wife duties for a month and a half, here I am again back to typing my thoughts away on my personal laptop and waiting for my first class in my previous company.

Yes, you’ve read it right. I’m back in WPH but as a homebased tutor. It actually feels nerve-racking to be in a familiar situation in a different place at my own convenience. I’ve been doing this job for most of my career but not talking to anyone online for more than a month scares the shit out of me.

I’m starting to doubt my abilities. I think I’ve been getting too complacent in doing household routine. It’s okay, I guess. My husband doesn’t put me under pressure for not earning and paying bills, but I am pressuring myself to hurry up and find a job. I guess, it’s because I know that paying for most of the things needed at home is stressful and I really want to help. I just don’t want my husband to get mad at me for being a paperweight.

Perhaps, it’s just me. A self-proclaimed paranoid and worrier. I worry that I might fail to do the things I’m used to do. I’m afraid to forget teaching and going back to square one. I’m afraid to make mistakes because I don’t think I can afford to commit mistakes now. I know that it’s too self-centered.

I thought I was thinking ahead. I applied to some ESL companies a week after I resigned as an office-based tutor. I know that from my previous experiences that my 13th month pay won’t last until the rest of 2019. So, even without the assurance of having a stable connection as soon as we moved in to the new condo., I still scouted for new ESL companies as a fall back. However, it took me more than a month to get settled.

Add to the fact that my PC was acting up until my husband had it reformatted. Thankfully it worked and I didn’t have to go to a service center to have it repaired or worse, buy a new one. This is brand new. What kept me from using it was the workload I used to have as a homebased tutor in WPH. Also, I didn’t feel like writing a blog entry most of the time last year.

Just like old promises that I have broken several times in the past, here I am again, hoping to have a better blogging year. I thank God for new beginnings everyday and a fresh start despite my odd life choices. I consider this as a small victory, despite the fear of failing or doing everything from the beginning.

Cheers to another blog entry and belated Happy Chinese New Year to everyone!

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