In today’s entry I am going to talk about my goals, what I used to think were my goals and how I ended up with my decision.
Here are my thoughts on November 15:
Lost goals, lost cause?
What was my goal then?
I started with just wanting a job to support my lifestyle. I was quite a different person then. I had a different plan 1 year and 8 months ago and when it didn’t work, I stumbled upon this opportunity. At that time, it was a better alternative. It was much better than the other companies I’ve been with.
While working in WPH, my goals were like a flickering light. It wasn’t that bad. I’m not saying that I lost motivation because of the company. What I’m saying is, I didn’t have a clear view of what I want to do in the future because I was too comfortable with my situation at that time.
Sometimes I’m content. I’m sure of what I want. Sometimes I’m so complacent with the normalcy of everything and I thought it was enough. There came a time when I felt like not wanting to do more. But there were times when I feel stuck. Like everything is routinary.
We have this bi-annual evaluation in the company and we always set goals for the term and the upcoming terms. I knew that it’s part of the job. Getting assessed for your performance, getting bonuses for your hard work, and of course, setting goals for the rest of the year. However, even after feeling complacent about my job, there came a point wherein I didn’t know what goals to set for the future.
It was like a wake up call. I had to ask myself about my plans and what I am doing. It’s like I’m just going with the flow because it was convenient. It wasn’t really because I wanted to achieve something or anything at all.
I didn’t have a plan for the next five years. I didn’t have any plans for my career and have never thought about what I want to do next. I wasn’t thinking ahead and I fear that I might die broke. I needed skills to survive. Yet, I don’t want to be stuck in a box for 8 hours a day.
I feel sad and disappointed when I am looking back at the time when my goals were vague. It’s better to have a little something no matter how intangible or inconcrete it is than to have no plans at all. It’s better than not wanting something better or not aiming for a better life.
It was a little scary to think that I couldn’t identify my lost goals. It didn’t even seem like it at that time. Perhaps because I’m in a happy disposition and I get what I want.
Now it’s not even about meeting the goals I set for my growth in the company. It’s not an issue if I have a goal or I don’t. I am accountable for everything that has happened in the past three months. All of it are my decisions and my own doing. I was too lazy to move, to go to work, and to keep doing the things I need to do. I find house chores more rewarding to do than report to work. That’s when my plan to work at home began.
I know that I might regret this. But then, I wouldn’t know what I can do if I won’t try.
All I know is that I want to learn other things aside from working 8 hours everyday. Now that I’m married, my focus is not only for myself. I have a house to clean, a husband to take care of, chores to do, and a life to live.
I want to learn more dishes, take more photos, write more, discover more places, exercise and lose weight, and still earn money. I don’t want to confine myself in an office most of my life. ‘Though that would be ideal for some people or even in my parents’ generation. Probably, I’d taken this mindset now, because the traffic condition in the Philippines have really gotten worse and I had to re-evaluate my lifestyle because I’m not the same person I was 1 or 2 years ago.
I know that I’m not getting any younger. That’s why, I feel pressured whenever my monthly period arrives. That’s why I want to exercise and become better. I want a family. A complete family with a simple lifestyle. And I can’t handle the pressure of having a family and the responsibilities at work at the same time. I needed to step back and that’s why I came up with this decision.
I felt proud of myself because I had enough courage to wake up, get ready, finally face my fears and survive the day. I took a ride hailing service again on the way to work. I was a minute late today because I woke up late. I didn’t sleep early the night before so it’s expected that I’m gonna be late for the day. Well, at least I went to work. Hooray for small victories!
I also passed my resignation today. Hooray! At least, I won’t need to think about training other people, exerting effort on how to make easier processes, think about monthly allowances and thinking what other people think. I’m finally leaving this place.
hungry at 12:10
I am right on schedule.
I feel better. I feel relieved.
Wow! That sardines saved me P50. Lol!
Ooh! Sold 50 pesos load again.
And it’s a good thing it isn’t that cold anymore.
My head hurts. I want to sleep. I just fell asleep on my seat.