Went to work by using a car hailing service (Grab)
Arrived 6 minutes before 10 AM (almost late but not quite)
Didn’t teach half of the day (Only had 1 class the entire day)
Accomplished tasks for transition (BP and Quiz)
Hooray! It’s almost lunch time!
I can’t wait!! I’m going to make a resignation letter. (Done)
Just had a satisfying meal for lunch
Pain after peeing 😰
I always eat hurriedly that I often burn my tongue or my gums. This time it’s the hard palate. I need to be more patient and wait.
Writing mood today: I feel like I’m not writing enough.
Oh! Let me write about my journey in this company.
I plan to write about positive things. I’m already too stressed with everything that’s been happening.
1 year and 9 months ago, I was too afraid to have a video class. Coming from 3 years of phone classes in my previous company and perhaps about 2 more years in other ESL companies, the idea of having a 25 minute video class terrified me. The idea of being too self-aware about my physical appearance was the main reason I didn’t pursue other home based companies before.
Lo and behold, I ended up working in WPH for 1 year and 8 months.
I was so used to having 10-15 minutes of classes everyday. Now, I’m used to having a 25-minute class with Japanese HS students.
I’ve come a long way and also conquered my insecurities.
I am so set with the home-based / work-at-home / part-time plan. It’s like running away from all this responsibilities. It’s like running away from all the pain of rejection. Like running away from the feeling of being defeated. Sometimes, I just want to stay at home and isolate myself from the rest of the world.
This is me. This is my feelings talking. This is all the hurt talking. The part that I didn’t let out online. Just at home. Sulking and crying for over 2 weeks.
I know deep down that I deserve more and I am capable of doing more.
It sucks when you don’t get enough compliments or enough praises about what or where you are good at. It sucks to be demotivated when you’ve exerted a lot of effort to make things work. ‘Though I understand that not all people like giving compliments because that’s not who they are. However, my point is, people need appreciation. Acknowledgement for their work and assuring them that they are doing the right thing is already a big deal. It won’t require you to spend money on an award or an accolade. It’s moral support. It’s not that difficult to give, if you will try.
More often than not, I feel like a robot. Once you serve your purpose, you’re done. I don’t want to work in that kind of environment. I don’t want the company to grow and leave me stagnant in the process. I don’t want my peers to advance in their careers in my expense. That’s just unfair.
So, really, what do I plan to do in my life?
It’s so vague and risky. Here I am in a safe place. A place I might regret leaving. But, I know that I’m not happy anymore.
Staying here requires a lot of energy. Staying here requires strong willpower. Staying here means slowly killing myself. It’s a suicide.
I used to say that I won’t let office politics get in the way or even get to me. But, I just can’t act on it. Not now that I’m part of it. Not when I’m in a dire situation. Not when I failed miserably. Not when things didn’t work out the way I planned or wanted it to be. It just didn’t turn out right.
Suffice to say that I knew what I did. Suffice to say that I know what I am capable of. Suffice to say that amidst every lost battle, here I am, waving a white flag to everything because I just couldn’t take it much longer.
The day is almost finished. The working days, I meant. I only had one class and more time to confront my feelings through writing.
Feedback – Janet Jackson
When I Dream About You – Gracenote / Paramore cover
I Drive Myself Crazy – Nsync
Manga / Anime / Taiwanese Drama:
Questions I asked my friends today:
- How do you feel about writing?
- How do you feel about writing bilingually in one entry?
- And at the time where blogging was one of the platforms where you can rant or air your thoughts, what topics did you write about? Or how did you find blogging and writing or journaling?
I wanna go back to running or exercising.
I’d like to keep waking up early.
I don’t want to fight time anymore.
How about Fran?
Richelle Mead’s Gameboard of the Gods and The Immortal Crown
I really feel indifferent nowadays.
I miss teaching regular students. I miss the fulfillment of teaching something. I miss the fulfillment from helping the student improve. The student’s confidence, speaking skills, and interacting with them. One that my current job lacks.
I miss the times when my student will tell me that they are learning something from me. Or when they say that they are improving because of me. It’s not a one way street and it’s one of the things that I really look forward to in my next journey.
I like it when the student learns a lot and when he/she grows. I like the attachment I get from the constant communication. I miss it a lot.
What I like about this down time is that I’m not procrastinating. I have time to write. I get to read using the company’s internet and I’m getting paid.
More to my list is Anne Rice’s Vampire Series. (The ones I found on Wikipedia)