Small Victories 2

11/14

Went to work by using a car hailing service (Grab)

Arrived 6 minutes before 10 AM (almost late but not quite)

Didn’t teach half of the day (Only had 1 class the entire day)

Accomplished tasks for transition (BP and Quiz)

Hooray! It’s almost lunch time!

I’m hungry!

I can’t wait!! I’m going to make a resignation letter. (Done)

Just had a satisfying meal for lunch

Pain after peeing 😰

I always eat hurriedly that I often burn my tongue or my gums. This time it’s the hard palate. I need to be more patient and wait.

Writing mood today: I feel like I’m not writing enough.


Oh! Let me write about my journey in this company.

I plan to write about positive things. I’m already too stressed with everything that’s been happening.

1 year and 9 months ago, I was too afraid to have a video class. Coming from 3 years of phone classes in my previous company and perhaps about 2 more years in other ESL companies, the idea of having a 25 minute video class terrified me. The idea of being too self-aware about my physical appearance was the main reason I didn’t pursue other home based companies before.

Lo and behold, I ended up working in WPH for 1 year and 8 months.

I was so used to having 10-15 minutes of classes everyday. Now, I’m used to having a 25-minute class with Japanese HS students.

I’ve come a long way and also conquered my insecurities.


I am so set with the home-based / work-at-home / part-time plan. It’s like running away from all this responsibilities. It’s like running away from all the pain of rejection. Like running away from the feeling of being defeated. Sometimes, I just want to stay at home and isolate myself from the rest of the world.

This is me. This is my feelings talking. This is all the hurt talking. The part that I didn’t let out online. Just at home. Sulking and crying for over 2 weeks.

I know deep down that I deserve more and I am capable of doing more.

It sucks when you don’t get enough compliments or enough praises about what or where you are good at. It sucks to be demotivated when you’ve exerted a lot of effort to make things work. ‘Though I understand that not all people like giving compliments because that’s not who they are. However, my point is, people need appreciation. Acknowledgement for their work and assuring them that they are doing the right thing is already a big deal. It won’t require you to spend money on an award or an accolade. It’s moral support. It’s not that difficult to give, if you will try.

More often than not, I feel like a robot. Once you serve your purpose, you’re done. I don’t want to work in that kind of environment. I don’t want the company to grow and leave me stagnant in the process. I don’t want my peers to advance in their careers in my expense. That’s just unfair.


So, really, what do I plan to do in my life?

It’s so vague and risky. Here I am in a safe place. A place I might regret leaving. But, I know that I’m not happy anymore.

Staying here requires a lot of energy. Staying here requires strong willpower. Staying here means slowly killing myself. It’s a suicide.

I used to say that I won’t let office politics get in the way or even get to me. But, I just can’t act on it. Not now that I’m part of it. Not when I’m in a dire situation. Not when I failed miserably. Not when things didn’t work out the way I planned or wanted it to be. It just didn’t turn out right.

Suffice to say that I knew what I did. Suffice to say that I know what I am capable of. Suffice to say that amidst every lost battle, here I am, waving a white flag to everything because I just couldn’t take it much longer.


The day is almost finished. The working days, I meant. I only had one class and more time to confront my feelings through writing.

Songs:

Feedback – Janet Jackson

When I Dream About You – Gracenote / Paramore cover

I Drive Myself Crazy – Nsync

Manga / Anime / Taiwanese Drama:

Skipbeat?


Questions I asked my friends today:

  1. How do you feel about writing?
  2. How do you feel about writing bilingually in one entry?
  3. And at the time where blogging was one of the platforms where you can rant or air your thoughts, what topics did you write about? Or how did you find blogging and writing or journaling?

I wanna go back to running or exercising.

I’d like to keep waking up early.

I don’t want to fight time anymore.

How about Fran?

YA Books:

Richelle Mead’s Gameboard of the Gods and The Immortal Crown

I really feel indifferent nowadays.

I miss teaching regular students. I miss the fulfillment of teaching something. I miss the fulfillment from helping the student improve. The student’s confidence, speaking skills, and interacting with them. One that my current job lacks.

I miss the times when my student will tell me that they are learning something from me. Or when they say that they are improving because of me. It’s not a one way street and it’s one of the things that I really look forward to in my next journey.

I like it when the student learns a lot and when he/she grows. I like the attachment I get from the constant communication. I miss it a lot.

What I like about this down time is that I’m not procrastinating. I have time to write. I get to read using the company’s internet and I’m getting paid.

More to my list is Anne Rice’s Vampire Series. (The ones I found on Wikipedia)

P.S

I HATE THE NEW EDITOR.

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4 thoughts on “Small Victories 2

  1. Ako naman if given a chance, I want to work at home to have more time with my family. Good thing you write about little victories, I also keep a journal with happy moments written on it. I try to do it daily. Dati I have planners pero talagang hindi ko sya natatapos hanggang simula lang pero itong journal ko mas swak sakin mas totoo and mas nauupdate ko hehe. Penge ako ng tips pag mag homebased na ko ha hehe. Think about your plans and pagpray mo 🙂

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    1. actually, sobrang na-s-stress na ako sa office. Rendering for almost 1 week na and pakiramdam ko hindi na talaga nila ako kailangan. They are planning for the next term and that doesn’t include me, i know. Pero medyo masakit lang na andun ka pa pero parang wala ka na din. Plus, because my friends and I had the same fate, all I get to read in our group chat is about how the company and its people are treating us badly. Nakakasawa na. Ang tagal pa ng three weeks. 😦

      So, the small victories came about. Everyday is a struggle kasi. Parang I am dragging myself to work everyday. Hindi rin naman ako makapag bukas ng ibang sites sa office kaya nag-dala na lang ako ng notebook and started writing anything na pumasok sa isip ko. To avoid feeling bored and stressed out. Para di na rin makatulog at para hindi na rin mapilitang mag-hanap ng sites na di pwedeng buksan.

      Mahirap talaga mag maintain ng journal / blog / planner (bullet journal ba o yung travel journal?) lalo na kung busy talaga sa iba’t-ibang aspeto ng buhay. One thing na gusto ko din sa pag-h-homebase is makasama yung husband ko and mapag-silbihan ko naman kahit konti. I think there are a lot of homebased jobs pero sa line of work ko mas leaning towards teaching online ako. Depende yun sa place mo kung tahimik, bigyan kita ng tips pag nakapag-decide ka na.

      Ako medyo malabo pa yung plans ko after my rendering. Pero sana kung mag-w-work, ipupush ko yung homebased job. Ayoko na talaga mag-office based. Ang mabuti lang duon yung pay kasi fixed. Sa homebased kasi hourly rate usually.

      Thanks for replying. I also want to pray for this. I will pray for this. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hugs!im sure kung anong plano ni Lord for you, un ang nangyayari. Yan din ang reason kung bakit gusto ko maghomebased, para sa famly ko para hindi ko na iasa sa mother in law ko kasi nasa bahay nako 24/7 hehe. Actually kinstressan ko yan last year kasi yung feeling na gusto ko syabpero lahat ng nangyayari walang papunta sa paghohomebased haha. Kaya naisip ko I’ll focus na lang muna kung ano yung nandyan, darating din siguro yung time na maghomebased ako. Good luck and God bless sa mga plano matim. Kaya natin yan! Aja!

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      2. Actually same. 2 years ago sinubukan kong mag part time kaso di ko kinaya kaya nag full time office cased ako. Sana nga maging okay na this time. Gusto ko na din magkababy.

        I wish the same for you. Sana matupad din yung plano mo. All in God’s time.

        Liked by 1 person

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