I’ve been meaning to write something or anything but I couldn’t make myself write. I used to say that I’ve been in front of my laptop everyday and there’s nothing much to write anyways. Well, not when everything is alright. However, I noticed that writing is easier when I am vulnerable.
I read an interview of Ariel Kaplan, the author of We Regret to Inform You on Happy Ever After. I was inspired by her answer about “What she does when she gets writer’s block or when she gets stuck,” she said:
For me, getting stuck is a symptom that I’m afraid of writing the wrong thing. So I just write the wrong thing — just whatever’s the first thing that comes to mind, no matter how ridiculous, and once that’s done I can evaluate why it doesn’t work. Once I know why something’s the wrong next step, it’s usually pretty easy to figure out what the right one really is. Of course, sometimes it turns out that the ridiculous idea actually works, too. It’s fun when that happens.
I’ve come across Ariel Kaplan’s book, We Regret to Inform You, and it says:
At any point in your life, you are two people. There’s the person you think you are, and then there’s the person everyone else sees. The second one is the one who gets you into college, or not. That’s the one who applies for jobs, and mortgages, and gets written about in the paper. Call her the (your name-bot), if you will. Your brand. Your avatar. You’ve worked for the last twelve years programming her with all the bits you want her to have. The right classes. The right extra-curriculars. All the garbage you do as a means to an end.”
While reading this, it felt like it was talking to me. Not just a random reader, but it was talking to me like I need to know this. It was relatable. It was something that struck a chord.
So, here I am re-writing my thoughts on my laptop at home. We aren’t allowed to use personal accounts at work so I just wrote what I have in mind on a notebook. I’ve come up with several things.
made it to work unscathed so far
commuted to work on foot up to the tricycle terminal
bought P50 lunch
had a fulfilling lunch
had a productive day
husband fetched me at work
went home with husband
had dinner with husband
currently blogging again
- Still planning to resign on the 15th. This makes me feel so excited to leave and make it bearable to stay at the office.
- Wants to continue writing again.
Books to read: (I just remembered to add it on my reading list on Goodreads)
- Tessa Dare’s The Governess Game
- Sandhya Menon’s From Twinkle with Love and When Dimple Met Rishi
- Meet Cute the Anthology
- Neal Schusterman’s Scythe
- Alexandra Monir’s The Final Six
- Michael Grant’s Gone
- Kayla Olson’s The Sandcastle Empire
- Victoria Schwab’s This Savage Song
- James Frey’s Endgame
- Lois Lowry’s The Giver
- buy coffee (restock)
Now to my cursively handwritten by pencil thoughts:
The year is almost ending. Here I am sitting on a chair in front of my desk, waiting for December to come by. Waiting for classes. Waiting for the day to end. Waiting for the best time?? Or enough courage to leave.
Plans are finally shaping up. I have finally made a decision. A decision I’ve been dreading to make and have been contemplating ever since October 12. All I can think about is freedom. Liberation after every emotional and mental shackle that I’m bound by this company.
I’ve been dreading each day of the work week. I dread the time that I should wake up, prepare for work and go to work. I’ve been dreading to go to work for a month now. I’ve been feeling restless ever since.
All I wanted was to stay at home and do chores. It was better to do chores, I think. Take more time to rest and recuperate from all the emotional and mental turmoil I’ve gone through.
I don’t want to wait and count the working hours to end everyday. It’s like I’m dragging myself to work all the time. I badly want to leave.
It’s November 13, my plan was to submit my resignation letter by November 15. My 13th month pay holds me back but it’s forcing myself to stay longer and is slowly killing me inside.
I feel like backing down as I re-write my earlier thoughts. I’ve been playing tug-of-war in my head. My mind says I need to stay longer and be wiser financially. My heart says, leave. I don’t need to endure this pain any longer. I shouldn’t make this harder for myself.
This battle against myself is one of the reasons I’m not updating my resignation letter yet. I’m so indecisive and afraid to risk everything. I know what I want but I’m scared to fail and commit mistakes. Here I am again, back in the same dilemma.
Just a few minutes ago, this thought crossed my mind:
Have some time to write, a time to read a chapter or two, a time to write about how you feel, a time to sleep longer, a time to watch your favorite show without someone bothering you, a time for you to think freely without considering other pressing matters.
I’ve been so troubled that there’s a lot of things boggling my mind. I wonder how I’m still sane.
Feeling: defeated 😧