February Changes

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I just decided to change my username and web url to my real name. I opted not to put my last name anymore because I’m no longer a Perez. And that’s the only real name in my previous username. Cara is just a made up name. Caramel is just a name that came up one time.

I have been changing names and aliases ever since i joined Yahoo chat and other chatting platforms. I’m tired of using other people’s names and hiding my identity. It’s a personal choice.

I don’t think that I have any other reasons to stick to an alias or a pseudonym. I just want to use this platform as my venue to air my side, to vent my anger, and to share some happy and sad memories. I just want to be a normal person.

I would like to settle to this name because this is me. And I have been blogging positive things lately and not so much rants anyway. It’s also my blog so I can do anything that I want.

The reason why I’m saying goodbye to my biological last name is that I just had my name amended today. It’s official. I’m not a Perez anymore and it will just remain as a part of me. A memory.

And in over a year, my last name will be changed into something else again. That’s why I don’t think it would matter if I’m still gonna be a Perez here or not.

What’s in a name anyway?

My biological father asked us that question before.  I can’t think of an answer at that time because I really don’t know. I’ve been using my legal parents’ last name ever since and it doesn’t matter. I actually thought that it doesn’t matter. But it actually does.

Some children don’t carry their father’s last name because of their own reasons. In my case, my mom had a choice. My father gave me his name because he and my mom are married. I don’t really know if he really wants to but by legality, he did. Then life happened and they separated.

I got adopted by my aunt and uncle and the rest is history. And now, Perez will just be a part of me that never came to be mine. It was just a natural occurence. It was written in the law. And my father will just be my father by blood and biology.

I learned that a name is very important. I learned that when I get married, I need to take care of it and the relationship in it. I will not let my children have the same fate. I know Ino isn’t like my dad but still, I will not let anything like this to happen.

Filing the papers and preparing for the wedding made me think about my identity and that’s why I came up with this decision. Cara Perez won’t be writing here anymore.

I realized that there’s no use in chasing someone who doesn’t want to be chased. There’s no use in asking for attention and acknowledgement from someone who doesn’t want to be a part of your life. That the relationship that you’re longing for won’t happen because he doesn’t want to.

I guess I’m tired of waiting for him and defending him to others. I still want to see the good in him but I think I need to temporarily stop. If he still wants me then probably he would come back. If he doesn’t then it’s his loss.

It saddens me to think this way but welcome to the new chapter of my life.

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