1st Friday: Toxic Chairs and Feelings

I guess it’s okay for me to write my grievances and what not. This is my blog anyway and it has been a long time since I wrote a rant or a personal diary or whatnot.

I know that I once wrote that I will avoid writing any rant or anything negative in here, but things are becoming more strenuous and more stressful. It’s inevitable and I hate what’s happening to me. I hate that I have to censor myself when all I have to do is write what I feel.

I had a strained relationship with a colleague a few days ago. It has been three days since we haven’t talked. She hit a nerve and I think all I need is a sincere apology.

She knows me. She knows my story and since I believe her, I didn’t expect to hear such things from her. Call me empathic or overly sensitive, but I treated her as my closest friend in the company and I didn’t expect that I’d be hurt by what she said.

Sure, she doesn’t need someone to pay for every coffee she buys. She can afford it. It’s clear and I get it. That statement, was seconded by her close friend and also my colleague. I get it. Clearly. I know that they can buy anything and everything they want. They can go whenever and wherever. Money is not an issue with them.

I’ve written somethings about who I am and what my real status is. I also wrote about how envious I am of them, that in case they run out of money, they can simply ask their folks for some and it will be provided to them. I know that their parents complain about it, but they were still proud about it. I used to be envious with that luxury.

It was quite unfortunate for me. For someone, who has to work 10 hours a day every weekdays and another 5 hours on Sundays to survive. I have stopped asking my legal parent for money since I moved in Mandaluyong. It’s part of my pride. It’s part of who I am. It’s part of my decision to work for myself and not ask anyone for help. Not anyone in my relatives, not anyone from the clan.

I used to live in Antipolo with my aunt and uncle who supported me since I was a baby. They provided everything that I need and as I grow up, I learned how to value money that is not yours. I’ve heard stories of how papa has to advance some of the monthly allowance that he gets from his parent’s business. I’ve heard stories about how little he gets every year. I know how hard it is to earn some money. I know since I was young.

I’ve grown into a family that used to own a condominium. However, due to unfortunate events, things went wrong and we don’t own most of the condo. units anymore.

Growing up, I learned about my biological mom and my legal mom’s alternative way to keep us afloat. They have to resort to pawning most of their jewelries for me and my sister’s college education. Until my legal mom died and we were not able to pay off all the jewelries. We weren’t able to get every jewelry back because we didn’t have enough money to pay for the interests and the whole amount.

After everything, I realized that I don’t want to ask anyone most especially, my family or my relatives for financial help. I know that they don’t have enough money to keep their families afloat. I know that they need the money too. I know that my aunts and uncles are getting old and sick. I don’t want to depend on them.

I’m earning my own money now. I’m paying my own bills now. I am financially capable since I left Antipolo. Of course, Ino has been my rock and my financial support for my downtimes.

What colleague 1 and colleague 2 doesn’t know is that I just don’t ask him some money… I have deeper reasons, and I don’t need to explain anything to anyone about my finances. I guess, if they were just envious then they just got to suck it, because they don’t know my story and they will never know.

I used to be envious of them. But what is there to be envious about when you know that the people you hang out with are rotten brats who can’t even be independent? What is there to feel pity for when they work for more than 8 hours a day with a weekend overtime of more than 8 hours as well, but still lose their money because of their wants and luxurious lifestyle? I guess, I should be ashamed of myself for thinking that I am pitiful, because I’m not.

These days, I’ve remained civil to colleague 2 but I’ve never spoken to colleague 1 since then. I don’t even know if I’m angry with her. All I know is she struck a chord. She has hurt my ego, my pride. She was just telling the truth, I know, but she could have been more sensitive. I know that I can be the most tactless person in the world, but I know that I didn’t deserve that treatment.

I let her in in my life. I welcomed her and trusted her and it just hurts me that she said that to me. I know that it’s the truth, but she should’ve known better.

I realized that I have to meet more friends and I shouldn’t be too attached to people. That I should work professionally so that it won’t affect me. At first, it did because my first reaction was to ask my team leader and my shift manager if I can transfer to another post. But after quite a while I realized that she’s gonna resign soon and the company reshuffle is fast approaching. I should get away from her and I will get away from her in time.

Sometimes, it’s also important to be around the people that matters to you. Sometimes, it’s also important that you hang out with people who bring out the best in you and not the worst in you. I guess, I’ve had enough of the toxic relationship.

Oh, but don’t fret, I know my debts and I will pay as soon as possible. It’s bad enough that they think ill of me, so I won’t ruin my reputation further by making them think that I won’t pay her on time. I guess, that would be our last transaction.

My relationship with Ino was also affected this week. We fought but it was not meant to be between us. It was not about him. However, things just got out of proportion. It was about my rage. It was about how I can’t calm down and control my anger. I’ve said some hurtful things to him. Some things that I wish I haven’t said but can’t take back.

My mom was the reason.

She claims that the guard gave her some stools. The guard asked me to return the chairs as soon as he opened the condominium’s door for me and Ino. I was exhausted from the long walk, tired from the long day in the office and I haven’t even stepped inside the building when he told me that. I felt a little furious but I still returned the stools that he claimed was owned by the other unit’s owner.

Every emotion was mixed with the exhaustion and my reaction. I haven’t even set foot inside the building and I haven’t even got in my room when he approached me. If only the guard was sensitive enough to let me take a rest first, before asking me the chairs.

I was furious when Ino asked me to calm down. NO. I can’t just calm down when he says so. I was so pissed that I got too loud, he covered his ears. I find it so disrespectful that the whole arguing became about him. I was so fucking angry and pissed off when he covered his ears. He said I’ve been nagging too much. But in my stand point, he should have just kept quiet and let me air my side. He should have let me talk and release my anger. He should have been more supportive. He should have just let me feel what I feel and be whoever I am at that time.

I told him that this is who I am and I can’t control my reactions or emotions right away. That this is how I feel right now and I can’t just tone it down just because someone’s telling me to.

I don’t just settle my emotions in a minute or two. I’m angry and I want to be angry. Do not tell me what to feel or how to handle my emotions. I can’t just lower my voice and calibrate my feelings. I am not a robot.

Then he starts to pack-up and leave. I realized that I struck a chord in him.

I really want to talk to him about it and hear him out. But I was so pissed, I kept on screaming at him.

I broke down that night. Telling him that I’m tired of doing everything that I’ve done in the past few years. I told him that I don’t want to do everything anymore. That I’m exhausted. I’m tired of doing everything. From chasing him to begging him to stay to waiting for him every night.

I know that I’m wrong and I haven’t even apologized to him.

It was my mom’s fault. She should have been a better rolemodel. She should have known what’s best. But everytime she does something, I always get the repercussions. I always get the side effect, the result, the backlash, etc.

I don’t borrow money from my legal parent but my mom and sister do.  I can’t save face because they do it all the time. I just defend them by saying that they have a child and they are incapable of providing enough for the kid.

My mom always do things that she doesn’t think about. She only thinks about the benefits of things. She only sees a part of the picture and not the whole.

Once, she went to the laundry store to have the blankets washed without telling me. Next thing I knew, I got another bill to pay ’cause she didn’t pay for it. I wasn’t able to control my budget because of that. It was an unexpected expense. And I always have to do something to save face all the time.

Another time was when she borrowed money from his family and she didn’t tell me about it. It was only later on when he asked me for the payment — that I learned that she owed them some money.

I know that that’s who she is and how she gets by. But I just hate it when I have to face the consequence because of her actions and decisions. She should have known better. She’s my mother. But everything that she does boomerangs at me. They often see the advantages but never the disadvantages and when they do they just say ‘sorry‘ sarcastically. All in all, I pay for everything in my expense.

I’m not angry with her anymore. But I just hate that side of her.

 

 

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