Leap of Faith

I’m going to reach my goal.

Finally, an opportunity for me has come. I am now considering to apply for the teamleader position of our company. I remember thinking about it and listing it in my goals for this year. Yeah, I’d like to be promoted, who doesn’t? Of course, there are questions and doubts, but before I get into that I’d like to tell you why I want this.

First, I don’t know how much I want this. I don’t know if I want this badly. Or how bad I want this. All I know is, I wanna be challenged. All I know is I’m still passionate with this job and I’m not getting any younger. If I am not going to be promoted anytime soon, when? I’m close to turning 30 and I haven’t attained any goals. I want to test my abilities and in this way, I can prove to myself that I can. If not then at least I know that I should do better. Perhaps, a wake up call. Perhaps, it should be something to consider or to improve on.

Heck, I don’t even know if I am ready. All I know is that I want this. For how long? I’m not sure. Perhaps, I’m infatuated by the idea that it can take me to a different path. Perhaps, it can take me away from thinking that I’m just a teacher, that I’m just a regular worker. Or it can deviate me from thinking of engagements and proposals and all that shit.

In all honesty, I’m looking for more opportunities to be busy. And I know how big the responsibilites of a team leader is. I know that it’s not a joke but somehow the idea of doing something new and doing something this serious and tedious is really a challenge dancing in my brain like a moth to a flame.

I want to grow and this company is offering me an opportunity that I can’t let pass. If I take it, I won’t lose anything and if I let it pass then I’m sure I’m gonna regret it. And if it happens that I won’t be chosen, then I guess it’s not yet the right time.

I believe that everything takes time. My mom taught me that an answer can be a yes, a no or a maybe. How will I know if I can do something if I won’t try? How will I know if it’s worth it if I won’t set my foot on it?

Second, I am looking at it as going out of my comfort zone. Leading a group is new to me. For years, I’ve grown accustomed to being a follower and just doing what the leader tells me to. I grew up following orders as it is. I am a whistleblower when I was in gradeschool. I don’t like breaking the laws or rules that’s why my classmates thought that I am a kissass.

There are downsides in being a follower too. You tend to be lost when you don’t follow any orders. You sometimes doubt if your decisions are worth it. If your decision is right. If it is enough. If it is the right thing to do.

I have been so accustomed to tradition that I can see myself as a traditional leader. I go by the rules. I am conscious about making mistakes. I tend to backout when I can feel the sting of my wrong decisions backlash-ing on me. Just like what happened to me when I was still training as a level test teacher. I am so sensitive to criticisms that I tend to slow down and back out when my faults are pointed directly to me. I tend to be defensive when people blame me for my shortcomings.

In some points I can be a dictator. I am the leader in my relationship. I want things done right away. I hate it when plans don’t materialize. I tend to be called the boss. I don’t take no for an answer. I’m hard headed and persistent. I’m not sure if my weaknesses can be considered as strengths or if these strengths could be my weaknesses, but hopefully it can be both. ….

I see myself as a person who has a strong personality. I tend to clash with people who have strong personalities too. I hate confrontations. Whenever I realize my faults or my mistakes, I tend to be apologetic. Though, it may not happen all the time. I consider other people’s opinion, however, I strongly hold my beliefs and my opinions. I may be hard to persuade. Compromise is a word I tend to take for granted, well, as for when my relationship is concerned.

I don’t want to limit my abilities. As I’ve said. I am not sure if I can do the tasks of a team leader but I will never know unless I try.

Third, if I should face my fear then… I’d dare to face my fear of rejection. If I will fail then so be it, I will face the fear of failure. Then, I’d get to tell myself that at least I’ve tried.

Though, I am not sure if I know what I’m getting into, I know that it would be a rollercoaster ride.  I guess, I just have to fasten my seatbelt.



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