Guess I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all
Need You Now, Lady Antebellum
November 21, 2014
If there’s one thing I’m good at, that would be pushing someone away. To leave me because I gave up. Because I’ve been too self-centered. Because I’ve been too cautious with how I’ll feel and that I don’t want others to feel sorry for me.
Sometimes because I feel unwanted, so I drove them away.
I usually feel like I’m always doing something wrong. Unappreciated. Insufficient.
Is it time to hold on or to let go?
When I cant hear praises, I back away and give up. Like when I feel I’m not worth it or I am not doing good. I feel like I’m just wasting my time.
The fear of taking risks weakens me. Here are failure and rejection teaming up in eating me up again.. I feel so stressed and it’s like my efforts are all in vain. Ugh.
Part of me is screaming “Be contented! You already have enough and you need to take a rest.” But the need to push myself to do more made me sign up for it.
I guess I’m too intimidated. Somehow, I just want to settle with what I can do now. Like, I don’t want to move forward. That, I acknowledge my weakness, I acknowledge my fears and yeah, I only want to do the things that I’m good at.
But I don’t want to sound reckless. I don’t want to sound irresponsible. I don’t want to sound unreliable. I’m torn.
I’m so fickleminded, so scared.. I just don’t want people to be disappointed in me.
I dont care about losing the fight. Or becoming a loser. This is what competition can do to me.
The thing is, i don’t know if i can back out. i am halfway through the training. and it’s not only the training that i am thinking about.